Something I never did as a single person is go on vacation with friends, as opposed to vacationing with my parents or other family.  I did travel with friends to attend the occasional wedding but as anyone who has traveled to weddings before, that does not constitute a vacation.

So for all intents and purposes the first time I went on a “non-family” vacation was my honeymoon.  (Now technically speaking as I had just gotten married, I was traveling with my “family” but I think the distinction is clear.)  So off we went on our honeymoon to Long Beach on the west coast of Vancouver island, to the location at which we had our first “not-date” and where, a year later, we became engaged.  As this was our honeymoon my wonderful husband booked us a ocean view room at the Wikininnish Inn and we spent a week relaxing, eating, spa-ing and generally enjoying a lovely week together; it was everything we hoped and expected our honeymoon to be.  Based on the near perfection of this first vacation, I figured we were in for a lifetime of vacationing harmony.

As I detailed in last year’s post “Vacation for Dummies” our summer vacation was not the blissful experience our honeymoon had foreshadowed to me, so we booked ourselves a winter’s end holiday in Maui for February 2009.  I can tell you that the promise of that vacation was sometimes all that kept us sane through the long months of the winter.  In pursuit of that vacation I climbed back on the Weight Watcher’s bandwagon and our gym attendance was reinvigorated as we both strove to chisel and hone our respective physiques for the sun drenched beaches.  So imagine our dismay when we arrived on Maui to the longest string of cold rainy weather most locals had seen for decades.

That’s right, Maui was cold.   So our plan of planting our butts in the beach for a week and only moving for meals had to be revamped, so we shifted from lounging to touristing, we got in our car and drove the many roads of the island; and admittedly, we saw some pretty amazing and interesting things, from the rocky drive around the north east side of island to the winery and vista’s of the Upcountry.  We ate amazing meals and had good conversation, because the primary lesson learned on my honeymoon was still true, I really enjoy my husband’s company, he really is my best friend.  I also, however, learned a few new lessons.

Lesson One: Manage Expectations

As a mediator I know that conflict doesn’t generally arise just because of what happens in life, conflict arises when what happens conflicts with what was expected to happen.  Going to Long beach we had cold rainy weather and just cocooned indoors and loved every minute of it, in Maui we expected to have hot sun and warm water, so when we got cold and rainy it violated our expectations and so we were disappointed.  There were times when this shared disappointment spilled over and turned into conflict between us.  My husband could no more make the sun shine than I could, but he still ended up getting the force of my frustration a few times, and I got his.  So our small disagreements were at times magnified by the shared disappointment of our frustrated expectations.

Lesson Two: Never Assume!

In many ways my husband and I are very like minded in what we like to do and where we like to go, but not always.  And its those points of divergence that can lurk like time bombs waiting to go off.  Activities like “sitting at the beach” or “getting breakfast” seem self explanatory but the variations between sitting at the beach by the resort and going to the beach with big waves are are a different experience all together; nor is eating breakfast in the room as a source of morning nourishment the same as lingering over breakfast overlooking the ocean.  On these few occasions where assumptions were made, and clarification was not sought we ended up with feelings hurt and toes stepped on which, when added to the general frustration of our blighted expectations, resulted in a few afternoons where the chill in the car was not a result of the weather.

I want to be sure that I clarify that that we DID NOT have a BAD vacation in Maui, we did have a good time.  The room we had was gorgeous, the food we ate was delicious, the views were breathtaking, the rented convertible was fun to drive, and the company was ideal; but we didn’t have the vacation we expected, and we learned that we have to be adaptable and work on those things that are within our control, like how we behave toward and with each other.

So now we are trying again.  In two short weeks we will take off for our 2009 summer vacation.  This year we will not have an endless week of traffic, ferry rides and visits.  We are going to the Okanagan to tour BC’s wine region and have what might be our last “adult” holiday before we start to expand our family (no I am NOT pregnant, wouldn’t have much fun on a wine tour if I was, would I).  We have had many conversations about this vacation; about where we want to go, and what we want to do, but we have also talked about what we don’t want to happen, and have agreed to be more vigilant about looking out for what is important in our vacation, specifically, enjoying each other’s company and not letting the things outside of our control control us.

Of all the adjustments of married life, sharing a bed has been one of the most interesting.  Pre-marriage we had spent a few nights sleeping together (actually just sleeping) but it was still by no means something we were used to.  We had discovered we could happily nap a Sunday afternoon away on a sofa snuggled up together but we quickly learned that naps and nights are not the same thing.

First discovery, I can not fall asleep cuddling where as my husband can and prefers to.  So each night when we turn out the light we start out all cuddled up, my head on his chest, his arm around me.  Approximately 3-5 minutes later, he is dead to the world and I roll over and go to sleep unintwined.  This system works well, especially now that it is colder at night, I tend to cuddle longer to get nice and warm.

That is the other discovery, Mr. P is asleep literally within a few minutes of turning out the light.  I however, take 5 – 30 minutes to fall asleep.  I am a night thinker, and if I get something rolling around in my brain I can’t put it away and sleep.  So I distract myself with audio-books, pod-casts or in very serious cases of insomnia the children’s story Cd’s about the lives of famous composers that I listened to as a child (long ago ripped onto my iPod for easy access).  The volume of my audio narcotic is tricky, as too quiet and I can’t hear, too loud and Michael is kept up and this is complicated by our houses’ air exchange which comes on to cycle the fresh air in the house and is just loud enough to throw of my audio balancing act.

The other adventures and misadventures of co-sleeping have been more funny than troublesome and have all been inadvertent and totally, literally, unconscious.  My husband twitches sometime as he falls asleep, usually just a minor shrug or shudder.  However, one night early in our marriage his arm jerked so violently that he smacked me in the head, hard, (I was still cuddled with my head on his chest at the time)  Oops.  We have also learned that I talk in my sleep, quite loudly at times, and if I have a cold can snore quite loudly too.  We are equally guilty of the occasional kick, elbow jab or knee bump on any given night.

We have had comic interactions around space and blanket sharing.  I accuse my husband of “encroaching” on my space, and he complains that I hog the blankets.  A particularly note worthy night I came back to bed after one of my trips to the lavatory and I discovered my pillow was missing, I felt around on the floor but couldn’t find it, then I discovered that my dear partner had taken my pillow and rolled away with it.  With a venom that I can only attribute to my semi-conscious state, I yanked the pillow from under his head with a exclamation of “GIVE ME MY PILLOW!” which was more petulant toddler than capable, rational adult.

With all our nocturnal dissonance you might think that I would start looking on a “Ward and June Cleaver” sleeping arrangement with some appeal.  However nothing could be further from the truth.  In these past months I have had to be away frequently for work and I HATE sleeping alone.  Nothing feels as good to be in bed beside my spouse.  Whether sleeping or reading, or watching the last few minutes of the hockey; Be it the cozy snuggles or the side gripping giggles; or bedtime rituals and draggy ass mornings (on my part, he’s all morning person-y).  Having my beloved, my best friend, my husband next to me in bed is one of the greatest joys of my married life.

Visiting and Vacation are not the same things.  This month my wonderful husband and I set out for our long anticipated and much needed summer holiday.  This would be our first vacation together, not including our honeymoon in March.

 

Our plan was drive down to the coast, ferry over to the island and pick up our new little bundle of joy, a 9 week old Long Haired Chihuahua.  Once we had picked up Gary we intended to leisurely wend our way up the island, stopping in Parksville to visit my husband’s parents, then carrying on south to take the scenic route back to the mainland via the Courtney – Powel River – Earls Cove ferry route to the sunshine coast.  Once on the sunshine coast we would stop in at my aunt and uncle’s summer retreat on Ruby Lake for a few days of lakeside sunning and swimming, then back to the mainland to visit with my sister and my husbands brother, a brief work stop for me in New Westminster, then out to the valley to visit with friends before driving home.

 

Okay, I am sure you have by now guessed that we tried to do too much.  Even in writing it out it is apparent that we had too much planned for a week.  Our “leisurely touring” felt like an everyday slog between destinations.  Having a new puppy with us that didn’t want to eat because he was trying to get used to us and always has the surroundings changing, was an added stress.  We enjoyed seeing our friends and family but each visit was too short and we were always aware that each day meant more travel so we never really relaxed.

 

This was one lesson learned the hard way.  Next time we do the “coastal tour” we are going one place and staying there for several days minimum.  Visits are not necessarily truly vacations if there are too many people to see and too few days to see them in.  At the end of our week (heck by Tuesday) we were longing to be back home and in our own space.

 

Luckily we have signed up for a “remedial class”, we have booked ourselves a week in Maui in April 2009, just the two of us, with no “plan” other than soaking up the sun and splashing in the waves.

I have discovered an interesting phenomenon;  Yard work in your own yard doesn’t suck.  In the last month my hubby and I have been working away almost every weekend on our home and yard.  The first weekend of June we laboured alongside a contractor to put up our fence, and decided we were glad we have “indoor” jobs.  Then we (thankfully) took a week off because we had company for a while.

 

Since then we have assembled a shed, planted 5 trees, installed gate hardware, installed new, better, gate hardware, washed windows, moved sod and begun dog proofing.

 

I have learned some very important lessons through this process

 

Lesson 1:       Our yard has only about 6 inches of topsoil before we hit clay (which might as well be concrete when you are trying to dig a hole).  And I am very grateful that my husband is willing to do most of the digging.

 

Lesson 2:       I really enjoy working alongside my husband to make our home better.  I have always enjoyed being handy and fixing things but doing it with my husband to improve our home is ever better.

 

Lesson 3:       My husband and I work really well together, we don’t argue or get snippy or yell.  We received all sorts of warnings and dire predictions of how we would “want a divorce by Monday.”

 

Lesson 4:       Lesson 3 notwithstanding, we really need to work on remembering that “my way” is not the only way and that we may have a different vision of how to accomplish a goal but they are not “wrong ways” or “right way.”  We are both pretty independent people and used to getting things done on our own, it has not always been easy to collaborate on how to get things done.  I especially have to be careful of my tendency to agree to one way and then just carry on with doing things how I want to.  I have caught myself a few times and I realize that that more than anything is unfair and demeaning to my husband and undermines him as a partner.  I have really made a concerted effort to let him lead – as I am always telling him I want him too.

 

Lesson 5:       I am so grateful for my husband, who has provided a beautiful home for us, and is happy to mow the lawn every week (saving me from a job I really hate).  For how he lovingly waters the trees and puts the sprinkler on the grass, how excited he is to see birds coming to the feeders and how tirelessly he works to get each project done.

 

We have several more projects this summer and many more planned for the future, but whereas in May I was overwhelmed and intimidated by what we had to accomplish, now I am excited to see what we can build together.

Lesson 1:  Husbands eat, a lot.

Well my husband eats a lot.  He also weighs 150 lbs soaking wet, holding his shoes… and an anvil.  I on the other hand have my weight on my drivers licence at 165 lbs, but that is really more indicative of a “range” more than a solid figure.  We are both tall (6’2″ and 5’9″ respectively) but the sad truth is that I can only wish I was as skinny as my husband.  We go to the gym 4 times a week and while he gets progressively more buff, I just continue to jiggle – but that is a lesson for another class.

Back to food.   Chances are when you get married you will live together, maybe like us you will not have lived together prior to your marriage.  Anyway, the point is now he or you or both of you are cooking for 2.  Do not be fooled, if you eat the same portion as your man you will put on more weight than he will.  I don’t know why this is, I think it has something to do with muscle mass and testosterone but the why is irrelevant.  The sad truth is he can get away with way more than you on the naughty food-o-meter.  And by “you” I mean “me.” 

One strategy I have begun implementing is “the same but different.”  For instance if we are eating hamburgers I cook him luchious but evil 30g of fat Stampede burger patties, and I cook myself adequatly tasty but virtuous 8g of fat “eating right” burgers.  So we both get burgers for dinner but I save a bunch of fat grams.  Same thing with taco’s, he has full fat sour cream and I have “light.”  This strategy alows me to pretend that I am not being deprived.

The other strategy is where I cook 3 “girl” size portions, then I eat one and he can eat two.  I just don’t go back for seconds, because there aren’t any.

These strategies sort of work for dinners, but I haven’t yet worked out how to cope when he cracks out apples and chocolate sauce at 9:00 p.m.  Maybe I will figure something out, soon I hope.

I am a newlywed, tomorrow I will have been Mrs. P for two whole months.  Not very long in the scheme of things but long enough for me to learn that, well, I have a lot to learn.

A decade ago when I was a bible college student in rural Saskatchewan we used to make jokes about girls who were at school just to “earn their MRS” to find a husband and carry on with life.  This was not considered to be a very good reason to be at college, and we were all there to expand our minds and prepare for contributing to the world though our careers.  We acted as though a wedding was like a graduation ceremony where after a woman would just go about the business of being a wife – big deal.

Well a decade has passed and I have gained an alphabet soup of educational credentials and am now working in my chosen field, and this spring I to got my MRS.  What I have realized though, is that while I had to study and train before being granted my other letters, when it comes to my MRS I am essentially making it up as I go along.  I realize that my “marriage preparation” course no more prepared me for marriage than the glossy university brochures prepared me to practice my profession. 

So now that I have the title, I guess I have to earn it.  This Blog is going to me my classroom, and hopefully someday I learn enough that Mrs. will be more than an honourary title.